I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
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[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me trying to walk in a dream
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
We need to put an American base on the sun
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?