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*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Nothing to do, you say?
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”