Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.