Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
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Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I wish I were this cool 😂
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Extremely relatable.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles