Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Self-cleaning conscience
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Ah..makes sense now
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.