You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…