Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
A classic…
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.