Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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guilty
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
smartest karate player in the world
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds