Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
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Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
They say women only use 10% of their anger