My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
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if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky