Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Nothing to do, you say?
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
All. The. Damn. Time.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???