Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
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ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…