johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work