Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
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Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones