INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
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The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
A bold strategy
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces