cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
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somebody come look at this
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
How to wake up a Beagle
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I have a black belt in leather
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.