My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.