I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.