me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
You Might Also Like
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people