Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go