I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
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reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
So glad we cleared that up
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
those birds must be on payroll
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
The news
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.