Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
You Might Also Like
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
man i love columbo
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.