*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
welp
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
you gotta be faster
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower