Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
You Might Also Like
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.