How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
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Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Swedish for common sense.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale