Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
real
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*