My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
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Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
“HELP WITH CAT”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes