Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
You Might Also Like
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
President The Rock Obama
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
ok like just. call me at this point
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!