I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
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The new Ring movie looks terrifying
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.