ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
You Might Also Like
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}