As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
shit, they caught us—run!!!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.