When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.