As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
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(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in