my dad when a sex scene comes on
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I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?