“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
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Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
File under excellent bookstore names.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.