*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.