If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
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Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
☺️
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Shoo shoo! 😂
bury ourselves
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.