Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
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Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.