My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
You Might Also Like
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain
[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
*turns to camera*
*cop starts breakdancing*