Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
You Might Also Like
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I鈥檓 not here to offend anyone; I鈥檓 here to offend everyone.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
*writing r茅sum茅*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 馃ゲ
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don鈥檛 know what that means.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope