What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.