I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Breakfast for Stoners:
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!