My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
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My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.