Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
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When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
🤣🤣🤣
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.