The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
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[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive