@mellimelle

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

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@theNuzzy

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

@jackies_backie

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

@Tommytoughstuff

JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.

@MisterD78UK

“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*

@LuckyLea13

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

@samalmightysam

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

@McClaneJohn2

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

@slimmy_shady

They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.

@noog

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.