The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

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Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.


I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.


JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.


“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*


I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself


If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?


This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.


They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.


Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.