The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

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Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.


me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia


Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.


I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting


PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks





PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now


Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun


When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”


[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww


The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.