@mellimelle

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

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@TrueQuixote

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

@rachxthompson

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

@XplodingUnicorn

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

@MariyaAlexander

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

@Home_Halfway

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

@StatMan_Who

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

@thepatrickwalsh

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

@ericsshadow

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

@charmfoz

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.