@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

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@DadandBuried

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

@maebemarbles

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

@Jandalize

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

@TurboJellyBean

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

@asimplesean

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

@causticbob

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

@BacklineNurse

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

@XplodingUnicorn

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

@GibJimson

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

@friendly_moon

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”