Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
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interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons