Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
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Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Am I having a stroke?
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
when someone compliments me
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it