My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I didn’t realize that was an option
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you