flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
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Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught