me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
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(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Would you wear it?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.