I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
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This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Discuss
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last